A morning meeting is rather enjoyable in addition to being useful, and I am laughing with the members of my unit. But as morning becomes afternoon, I begin reviewing a file in which the issues are not only tedious, but convoluted, and several interruptions find me developing a hard to control irritation, that I know can lead to an eruption. A staff person who needs to update me on an absence calls when I am having a particular struggle to apprehend some factual details of my file. I am annoyed that I am having to review this file and unforgiving toward those who, in my self-righteous view, who forwarded this file without giving it a thoughtful screening. I answer the phone with an unviting pronouncement of my name startling the caller, who is apologetic for having disturbed me, when she has done nothing wrong. I had been doing some "spiritual reading" last night and promising to be a more faithful disciple, and in a flash, promise was dashed, as human nature seems to ordain it. I meant to call her back later, and I forgot. Great.
Even now, as I write, with my reading glasses in the living room so that I am having a wee bit of trouble navigating making this entry, a bubbling anger rises, seemingly out of nowhere. Like this small inconvenience requires retribution. Against who? Against what?
I had yet another tussle with my purse on the way home via the supermarket, looking for something, and emptied it out onto the seat in an effort to avoid a superagitation. Though it was late, there was unusual traffic on all the streets, and the lollygagging of some drivers, indecisive moves, unexplained delays found me suddenly hitting the inside door with my hand, as if my hand were not the servant of the rest of my body. I prayed for a patience and calm that I have only intermittently. When I experience it, I think, "Ok, now, He's giving me the Grace. I can take it from here." And then I don't, and I feel like Tantalus reaching for precious food, though I know that if i am prevented I am preventing myself. I'd rather blame someone.
I'd like to attribute this internal cacophony to the fact I have had trouble sleeping for some time now. Hormonal trouble, suggest some women friends. Maybe. I'd agree if I did not know that I have had these moods, these eruptions, all my life. Some might say, ah, she's bipolar, sudden eruptions of irritation, with periods of high mood (hypomania or mania, depending I guess on who is viewing it). I don't know that it matters what it is and what causes it. I think it's something to be dealt with and conquered, as part of a moral evolution. Some days I just do better than others. And I do know this, when I have those moments of equanimity, of passing joy, even better, I am very grateful.
1 comment:
Hi Djinna,
I'm familiar with what you are experiencing. Sometimes it seems although we would like to feel a certain way, we cannot will it so. I am finding the writings of a Buddhist monk named Thich Nhat Hanh to be very helpful regarding calming oneself.
He summarizes the Buddha's teachings in his book, "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching." (This practice that follows is also cited in many of his other books, I'm sure.) After recognizing and accepting the fact that we are angry or upset, he suggests that we embrace our anger:
"We hold our anger in our two arms like a mother holding her crying baby. Our mindfulness embraces our emotion, and this alone can calm our anger and ourselves."
He goes on from there to the next steps (looking deeply, and insight). I hope this will be helpful to you, although it may be more effective to read him directly.
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