To Tell the Truth

A short entry about an extensive subject. If I say that I am obsessed with the truth, I'd only be saying what is probably the case with lots of people, and most assuredly, the great thinkers, of which I am not one. I have a friend who says that she "always" tells the truth. Me, I go along with Dr. Gregory House, and the idea that "everybody lies". We have many times heard that it is better to tell a "white lie" in order to preserve someone's self-esteem rather than to burst the bubble by confirming a worst fear. "Do I look fat in this dress?" You know what your answer would be, right? Me, too. And has been to innumeralbe similar questions in my life. Here's another question to which the answer I suspect if more than half the time, a lie, "How are you doing?" "Fine" I say. Really? And if you're not, come one, no one really wants THAT answer.

I can only speak about my obsession, not anyone else's. And it has really disturbed me of late that I cannot tell the complete truth, if I want to live to the next day, or have any people to talk to. Of course, that raises another question, and I haven't got the energy, "What is the truth?" More and more I have this experience of two immediate levels, what I am saying, that is always cached and careful no matter how quickly I might speak, and what I am actually thinking, sometimes withholding, mostly because I don't want to start a fight or hear, the inevitable disagreeing response. And there is the what shall I call it, the "false presentation" of self (the false self is the well written term by the psychological and religious writing set). So last night, when a friend called, it was in the reaction and emoting part of the black hole I found myself in triggered by all sort of ordinary life events and he got the full rendition of it, though I had promised myself to keep silent. But again, he asked a question, something like, "What's happening?" and I started to make the untruthful response, all the more so had I said it, because the opposite was so excruciatingly true in my head, "nothing". But then I changed my mind. I told the truth. I went on and on like something was pouring out of a psychic jug. And I regretted it immediately. Keep your own counsel, even if by omission, you lie. It's better for everyone else. Then I went to see a movie, "The Invention of Lying", sometimes cute, several guffaws, but ultimately somewhat disappointing, the theme, a modern world in which no one had before lied gets lying introduced by one man in some split moment. It made me wonder whether really, these days, we have to reinvent the truth, because it is so illusive. Today, my cousin called and I said nothing of the events which had been plaguing me, talking about family and our elderly aunt. Well, I guess there was truth in there because I told her that I had never really liked this aunt, not ever. This makes it hard to be doing right by her but also because, frankly, I think the truth and my aunt have not had recent acquaintance, but as in all things, can't prove it. I went to Church and was "normal", none of the rage I felt the day before, now taking a nap within. But I knew I needed to have as little human commerce as possible, and so I spent the afternoon eating eggs at the Grove with a Mimosa, and then walking back here to do laundry and feel the first of a non-summer day, cool enough to turn off the fan that endlessly runs in my bedroom. Better to avoid talking rather than to trend toward that lie. I called a friend that I cancelled hanging with today with no explanation and left her a message explaining the dark mood and not wanting to inflict on her, thinking of course, that I already had, but you draw a line where you can. This is an appetizer kind of entry. Gives you a peek into what has been rattling around the brain, but makes me realize that I am out of my depth, at least tonight, in trying to address it. Perhaps a vow of silence would solve my truth problem. If I didn't speak, I couldn't lie. That'd work well at the job. My verbal job as a lawyer. Well, the ambien I just took to get me a full night sleep seems to be taking hold, and will shut down this line of thought, or any line of thought as that seems to be what largely keeps me awake. Thought upon thought. Not brilliant ones necessarily, but persistent ones. So I leave the issue of truth generally and mine, specifically to the night. So, be honest, what do you think of this entry? Will I want the truth. I do think perhaps I cannot handle it, as some guy said to another guy in that movie. Pretty sure in fact. Now, that's a truth.