I resonated with her story, although in my case, I did not walk away from my career, as those of you who read this blog know. I might have, even likely, decided to leave in a few months or a year, or two, but I didn't. Having invested 25 years of time, sweat, passion, doubt, mission, doing my truly niche job, at which, if I do finally say so myself I was quite skilled, I was, literally in the space of five minutes, no longer Djinn, Assistant Chief Trial Counsel.. For the speed in which I and several of my colleagues were told our long services were no longer needed, it almost seemed that I had never been there at all. I knew I was not indispensable, as I have no doubt written here before, but to find out how utterly dispensable I was, wreaked havoc on my not inconsiderable ego. Everything, from getting good grades at the Mount back in the Bronx, to graduating magna cum laude at Fordham, to tolerating law school, which I thought a useless preparation for the real world, to working for the Corporation Counsel as an intern during law school (the summer of Three Mile Island), to the nuttiness of the Law Offices of a Madison Avenue lawyer, passing the Bar in California, the nuttiness of another Law Office on Wilshire Boulevard had led to that quarter of a century as an ethics lawyer and prosecutor. And then it was gone. I was one big step behind the author who made the knowing and intentional decision to leave her career. I needed to absorb the trauma of forced separation before I could do anything else. I credit myself (oh, yes, yet again!) with having done better at that and more quickly than I would have supposed given my personality. And for the last year, I have been trying to see who I am if I'm not, Djinn, Assistant Chief Trial Counsel.
Well, first I began writing more in this blog. I thoroughly enjoy it. A few good friends and some lovely strangers in places like China and Russia apparently have been among my audience. For a few months, I wrote in a religious blog, describing the spiritual dimensions of becoming unemployed, including charity, and forgiveness and recognition of Providence even in the most unpleasant of life's events. I almost took a part time legal job at the behest of a good friend and old colleague, getting into the ground floor of a special administrative court for the Transit Authority. But I decided that it was the "wrong" road for me just then. I have remained an active lawyer, at least for 2012. No matter how much you discourage it, people insist on asking legal questions. I have referred more people to the Legal Referral Service of the Bar than almost I did when I worked there. Lightening would have to strike twice for me to find the kind of career that fit my psychological being so well. I am not holding my breath.
I have done a fair amount of reading. I painted a couple of canvases. I began a renovation of a condo I now own since Dad died. It has been a long slow haul and remains unfinished. I took three voice over classes and remain on line occasionally sending an audition. Because it costs money to do a demo tape and for now my cash flow is flowing into the direction of the renovation, I have put that on a temporary hold. I read for Learning Ally. I help in a couple of charities, one very dear to my heart, also written about in these pages, The Sisters Servants of Mary, Ministers to the Sick. I have begun to pray more, though distraction remains a challenge. I go more often to Daily Mass, serve there, and bring communion to one or two sick. I decided to stop the ministry at the hospital--it just wasn't a good fit. As you also may know I finished the first draft of a memoir I may never publish, and am now 100 pages into a revision. It was way too long at 417 pages. It is at present 371, with much much more to cut. I have found that I don't write at any set time. The mood strikes. I can sit for an hour or several hours, or minutes. I just let it happen.
The days unfold. As one of the colleagues who left the Bar on the same day I did has noted for herself, I have learned not to be self-punitive because every day does not have the same structure. There has been the odd crisis here and there, but I find myself happier overall than ever I was in many a year. I've renewed my passport in case I get over that renewed fear of flying and I actually do take a trip somewhere, like Ireland or England or both. Now that there are no cats (although a new cat in the neighborhood has been visiting more than I'd like) in the backyard I started to feed the birds and it is a peaceful marvel to watch them dive into the little container to get their fills.
I used to think about "fame and fortune", moving "up" in the world. I moved up, in a limited way, and then it was gone. That was a lesson in humility. I have come to believe that humility is the key to happiness. I'm not very good at it, the idea of "fame and fortune" still intrudes, but I get to practice every day. If you're laughing, really I am trying! I realize that people will perceive me in a largely different way than I perceive myself. I can't say which of us is right. I used to struggle with that, a lot. I needed to believe that my perceptions were reasonable. I am doing my best, that's all I can say.
My mother died when she was 48. My dad when he was 90 I don't know where the ball in the roulette wheel will fall for me. But what I've come to, with occasional lapses of old neuroses, is that every day is a world unto itself to be embraced and savored. I'm going outside now with a glass of wine to say Evening Prayer. That may not be how the monks are doing it, but there you are, one Djinn's approach.
Let me leave you with a small piece of a prayer by a very famous lawyer who saw his fame and his life taken from him for what he perceived a greater Good. I used to have it hanging on my lamp in my office.
.
I am surely no longer Djinn, Assistant Chief Trial Counsel.. Maybe I never really was. Who I am remains to be seen, in God's good time. But overall I think it's been a good year.
No comments:
Post a Comment