I know. There is no such thing as absolute freedom. I know it, but someone tell some of our political movers and shakers, where absolute freedom is for them, alone and not for anyone they disagree with. No, no. Djin. Stop it! No commentary. This is an apolitical piece in a political world.
You remember the entry about "If I Didn't Have to Work I'd. . .." ? I have a refinement of the challenge I am facing. I can do whatever I WANT. But then I try to do TOO much and get all bolyxed up. Did I spell that right? Probably not. Spell check, please!
The other day I decided to look into an old age nursing home that I thought might be nice if I live long enough and I am not just carted out of here. It's an old one, up in the hills, run by the Carmelites. So, here was my thinking, although I was grateful that the operations lady kept pointing out that it really WAS too early for me to be shown around, wh ich she did anyway. She kept saying that I should know that if I had Alzheimers, this would not be the place for me. No kidding. It is up in a mountain and there are no gates. I wouldn't consider it, but then if I have Alzheimer's I won't know what's what, anyway. My thinking, yes. Let me tell you. I started out life on the campus of a Catholic girls school; I might as well end it on the campus of a Catholic home for the elderly. There seems to be a symmetry and if I do successfully enhance my spiritual life between now and the time I need care, how perfect to be surrounded by the contemplation of the Carmelites for whom I have a particular affection.
The place is lovely. Only 57 beds, and it did not have that smell of impending death although heaven knows the residents were aged parent types. In one room a nun read to a circle of ladies. One was asleep in her wheel chair. That is likely what I will be doing if I live that long.
I was directed to another place I had heard of for independent living, which might be my first stop, again, if I make it that far, let's see, what ten or fifteen years? In the meantime, I asked if hillly nursing home used volunteers. I have been concerned that I am not DOING enough with my free time, which I fear being too free of minutes, and hours. They did and off I went with my application, requiring a TB test and three references. I filled it out. I put it in an envelope. I put on the envelope a stamp. Someplace between putting the envelope in my car and now, I noticed that I felt a bit anxious that I was, in fact, putting too much back on my plate.
The trigger was my second level voice over class, Tuesday nights. This one is as much about the artistry as it is about the business. The question/mantra for the four weeks is"How Badly Do You Want It?" In fact, we had an assignment to write our goals and tasks daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, five years, ten years. Me? I wrote this rambly piece akin to how I feel--not sure. Do I or do I not want to commit to the work of this creative endeavor, including the business part, the getting in front of someone to do the artistry?
I think so. So today, I began. And it took time. And it will continue to take time.
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| The free time can be daunting. |
But this is not all I wish to do or be. I wish to do charity work, like volunteering at that old age home. I am at an age where I am seriously considering the shuffling off of the mortal coil and my immortal soul. However, I already had or have two on going projects, one related to raising money for bringing clean water to East Africa through Catholic Relief Services under the aegis of a parish umbrella called "Our Lady of the Well of Nazareth" and helping to raise money for a smaller group of amazing nursing nuns called the Sister Servants of Mary and maybe to do some less grand tasks for them as needed. Both of these charitable works were part of my week. One involved at least four to five or more hours of my time. The other will involve a nearly full day. I haven't done that much with either, and if I am going to give full attention to these three things, the voice work, for an added "living" if it goes well, and the two charities, I cannot simply be trying to fill my calendar to avoid any down time in which my anxiety about doing something "meaningful" with the rest of my life when I have that quiet time. I haven't even mentioned the writing and the painting that I have been slipping in eratically.
Part of it is learning how better to structure my day since as I have already noted, the imposed structure is not presently extant. Part of it is accepting that I may just sit outside for an hour or two watching the birds and breathing deep the Los Angeles air, or saying the rosary or reading the Magnifcat, or even some lighter stuff.
This is an unfamiliar me on unfamiliar turf. It'll take some getting used to. I don't have to fill every minute.
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