I was listening to the radio the other morning and a representative from the Salvation Army was on the air with the host. I was expecting the comforting Christmas pitch something like, "When you see our red kettles outside your local commercial establishments, give generously". It was a little of that, of course, but when the host asked what was different about charity work today than 40 years ago, the man said, "risk management." Well, stores are afraid to allow this charity, and others, because of liability. Something happens, and the store will get sued. Like what the host wondered, as did I? Tripping over the red kettle? Well, that would be hard because it isn't on the ground; it hangs from a discreet holder. The tone inside the bell that the volunteer rings? You know the little ringy thingy inside. Maybe if the volunteer is over exercising in his ringing gyrations, the tone will fly off and hit a Ralph's shopper in the eye. Guess it is not impossible. Or maybe the volunteer is a wild eyed escapee from San Quentin whose life of crime included ringing bells at a supermarket to collect dollar bills for the needy.
I don't know about you, but I am getting sick of it. I am ashamed of my own profession that has made every accident of life the responsibility of some other poor soul or conglomerate, private or publicly owned.
We are so busy trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt that we seem to forget that it is unavoidable for the flesh and blood among us--which means everybody. A few years ago, a small plane crashed into a residential building. A man, in his bed, was killed. How do you manage against that kind of risk?
So, now, the outcry is that the laws against distracted driving with cell phones is not enough. We need more. We need to ban the use of cell phones entirely in the car. Aside from the fact that people won't obey the law, there is the uncomfortable fact that people do a million other things in their cars that will remain permissible, at least for now. Like eating in the car. Like drinking beverages in the car. Like listening to the radio, the CD and/or the Ipod, including changing channels and checking labels. Perhaps a law should be passed banning radios, CD players and MP3 connections in cars. And while we're at it, banning Uncle Harry, who chatters to and from whatever destination you are driving to until you want actually to crash the car! There should be no passengers in a car. You shall also be forbidden to daydream, because then you don't notice where you are going or where you have been. And, if you are on any legal medication, you are not allowed to drive (that'll clear up the freeways). Oh, and if you have cataracts growing, or are nearsighted, with or without glasses (as some people with glasses don't see any better than without them) you are not allowed to drive.
Meanwhile, the obsession with being green will allow a bicyclist on the roads with cars, wobbling with ear buds neatly planted in their ears so they cannot hear the honking of a horn. (see earlier diatribe in these pages about bicyclists on the city streets). I think there is a law against driving a bike while drunk. Anybody enforcing that?
You can't go near children any more because we have so effectively educated them that a touch on the wrist could be interpreted as sexual in nature. They can't play dodgeball anymore, or ride a seesaw, or hang upside down from monkey bars (well they had to go too since climbing is dangerous).
Risk is being managed so intensely, so fascistically, that we are raising a generation of potted plants, or cyborgs, since most every kid is attached to something electronic. But of course, they too are dangerous, since they emit something or another. We may need some kind of special earmuffs that allow the sound and block the rays.
We should not worry about being conquered. We have made ourselves so weak that all we'll be able to do is to wave the white flag in surrender. But don't stand too close, you might get hit by the flag.
By the way, we are all going to die. That's a risk no one can manage.
P.S. Here's something to ban. Lawyers.
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