Thoughts In Between 2011 and 2012

                                                      
                                                    FAREWELL 2011


I probably ought to be thinking about resolutions as 2011 fades into the historical time line. But I resolved not to make any resolutions back circa 2004, particularly the one about losing weight, although forgive the pun, that lost resolution weighs upon me! 


As I know it has been for many of you, 2011 was an interesting year (a la, "May you live in interesting times" offered by some toast that has its roots I have heard in Chinese philosophy) for me.  Like you, I am likely going to be sorting out the remnants of 2011 into 2012 as life is a seamless garment, albeit one with a few pulled threads. One of my pulled threads has had me musing over the trajectory of my life. When I am toasting with a fizzling glass of champagne over Auld Lang Syne in a local glitzy restaurant, I will be holding my breath, just a little.


What is the measure of any of our lives, those of us who toil, comparatively anonymously (compared, say, to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Just joking) for what we realize, perhaps too late, despite the surfeit of literature on just the subject, is beyond transient, so much so we are stunned by its predictability?


I have been thinking a lot about that, even more than usual, since finding out how dispensable was my career painstakingly developed (when you count college and law school and the work itself) over 40 years of a life that statistically ends (if lucky) at 78. I almost titled this entry, "If I died tonight. . . ". If I am objective and I have come to realize that is probably impossible, and I had no more chances, what would be the final tally as of midnight tonight?

"Regrets, I've had a few" isn't that how the song goes?  Let's start there. I never married. I knew, even as a child, I probably would not. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. I have been told by many women that it is "easy" to meet a man, and even to fall in love. It never has been for me. And, I have to accept that I was the problem in the few short chaste relationships I did have. Three of the men married and each had children, so they certainly managed without me and it is hard to say, "it was because of them." I am happy for each. I don't know about the fourth. I did what I thought was my damnedest to change that trajectory, including years of therapy which I still hold as life saving in a multitude of other ways. The man who counselled me was an incredible soul who did his damnedest to help me see I could change. I clearly did not channel his optimism enough.


I never had kids. "Well, you could have adopted".  I could have. If I did not, there were good reasons and less valid ones, but it is what it is. But losing my job reminded me that I put all my eggs in one basket, the achievement basket.  And then, both basket and eggs were taken away. 

I have been afraid almost all of my life, of things that existed and of things that I anticipated with or without substantive evidence. 

I made choices, that I must own, although along the way it often did not feel that way.

But the fact is, I had it good!  I live in a country where I have been well educated and well fed (back to weight again!). And while I worry that freedom here is seeing its last days, I have been its beneficiary to date. I had parents who came from difficult circumstances, who were scarred by those circumstances, but managed to create in me a reasonably well functioning member of society. I have already lived longer than so many deserving beings who never had a chance in places where they were born and died in quick succession, without anyone caring or even noticing. The environment in which I was formed, and the people who directed that formation were gifts I received (in my world view by Providence) through no effort of my own.


I would not say that I have a crowd of friends, but I have some good and long time ones, at least three from the time I was 5 years old and a fair number from high school and college and law school still.  They have blessed me with their support during tough periods (like Dad's death). I had an extended family on both sides of the familial tree, but unfortunately neither mother or father cultivated them, and most of them remain strangers to me. On the other hand, I have a few stalwarts in the group, cousins and a couple of aunts and an uncle (shout outs, you know who you are). Most of these devoted characters know that I have a tendency, despite my apparently outgoing nature, toward being a recluse, and shake me out of it more often than not.  In the last few months, I have made a few new friends, although I realize when I meet a man or woman of a certain age, I am now one of them.

I may not have had children, but I have been blessed to know a couple who have been kind enough to let me be "like an aunt" to them. I am as proud of them as I could be of any of my own.

I am afraid to fly, but despite that I have travelled to Italy, to Canada, to Bermuda, and to some 18-20 states (ok, I am counting New York, and New Jersey). Once blown out of my safety zone, I am passionate about anything and anyone I encounter. I am always glad that I went, even if I am delighted I have returned to my Los Angeles abode and my cadre of cats.

Speaking of cats, I have saved more than a few, and if there is credit given in heaven for that, then I am a shoo in! I take the Aquinas (is it?) view that animals have souls.

I have been blessed with a good voice and a good vocabulary and I have been able to use both for my pleasure and to assist others. 

I lost, and then found again, the religious faith of my youth. I have found another father in the retired pastor of my parish, he who treated my dad, who died after a long good life at 90, as a brother.  

I may no longer have my career, but I can manage comfortably enough while I decide what is next in my life.

And if I get a few years past this Midnight, as is devoutly to be wished and prayed for Lord, in Your Good Wisdom and Will, I might become less afraid, and more open. If the good outweighs the "bad" this year, the entry for next year will even have more of a recitation of how blessed I have been in this life. And maybe, if I get that additional time, I can take the few things in the regret category and join them to the blessings. Who knows?  Anything is possible, eh?

Wishing you and yours a Happy New Year!


                   WELCOME 2012!